Friday, October 19, 2012

I Quit!

Note:  I wrote this a few years ago when I was doing a "trial retirement."  I don't make this stuff up; it really happens to me.


I Quit!


I’ve been trying real hard to adjust to my new role as a “house-wife.”  But I decided tonight that I’m going to quit trying to be something I’m not.  I ain’t no June Cleaver and I sure ain’t no Martha Stewart!  Using my new favorite word, I hate those “bitches” anyway.   

It all started when I went into the kitchen to start cooking a wonderful fried chicken dinner for my darling husband, Ward Cleaver. The first thing I was going to do was make tea.  I reached for the 10 lb. bag of sugar that I bought from Sam’s last week and ants ran out everywhere. Where did those little buggers come from?  Before being unemployed, I would have chunked the sugar.  It took me a while to figure out that I would have to dip the sugar out one spoonful at a time and examine it for ants.  I started this project and pretty soon, sugar was all over the counter and all over the floor.  By then, I had to abandon that project because I was running out of time.  I reached for the flour and the canister was empty.  I spent 5 minutes plundering through the cabinets looking for the flour.  I spent another 5 minutes getting dressed to go to the store.  As I was walking out the door, I spotted the flour bag on the counter.  Okay.  I started frying my chicken.  Then it was time to put on my rice.  I had to drag the 20 lb. bag of rice that I got from Sam’s out of the pantry because I’m not supposed to lift anything over ten pounds.  Since I couldn’t lift it, I had to open it on the floor and dip it into my rice pot.  Of course, it spilled and I got rice all over my floor.  I was proud of my chicken.  It only burned slightly while I was cleaning up the rice.  When the chicken was done, I glanced at the clock.  I had just enough time before Ward was due home to make my gravy and warm up the Glory beans that John Tyre told me about.  Just as my grease got hot enough to make gravy, Ward opens the door and says, “Come quick!  We have a problem!”  Water was running out from under the house.  I performed an investigation for about five minutes.  When I opened the kitchen door, smoke hit me in the face and just as I looked over at the stove, the frying pan burst into flames.  I did what they tell you not to do; I picked up the frying pan, made a dash for the door and chunked it.  The beans were also burned to the bottom of the pot.  After getting the house under control, I had to go outside and beat the grass because it was on fire.   

The good news is that the house didn’t burn down and I didn’t get burned.  The bad news is all we had left to eat was plain rice and fried chicken.  I offered to cook something else, but Ward said, “It’s okay, June, I can look at the kitchen and tell you’ve had a hard day.” 

So as of right now, it’s goodbye June and Ward….hello George and Marilyn!





Monday, October 15, 2012

Social Media Ignites a Flash Mob Civil War

Everywhere USA
Wednesday, November 7, 2012

It started with a tweet between two brothers. Last night, after it became apparent that President Obama had been re-elected for four more years, two politically opposite brothers tweeted each other.

  Republican brother tweets that the Democrats stole the election from Romney because he got more votes, yet that "college" declared Obama the winner.

The Democrat brother tweeted back, "Now you know how we felt in 2000 when Al Gore lost even though he won."

  "IT'S A LEFT WING CONSPIRACY", the Republican brother shouted IN ALL CAPS.

The Democrat brother responds, "It's not the end of the world, you know."

  The Republican brother tweeted back, "Our voter supression plan was supposed to work, dammit!"

Even though you could tell the brothers loved each other, things escalated and the Republican brother tweeted, "Meet me at McDonald's in ten minutes and I'm going to kick your a$$!"

  In a matter of nano-seconds, this challenge quickly spread throughout Twitter and Facebook. Since the city, state, or address of the McDonalds was not identified, tens of thousands of flash mobbers descended upon every McDonald's in the nation.
  NEWS FLASH! "Obama has been re-elected and we're all going to die!"


Brothers against brothers; sisters against sisters; brothers against sisters; parents against children; neighbors against neighbors; friends against friends; husbands against wives.

  In order to identify the enemy, the righties are wearing red bandanas and the lefties are wearing blue. To add to the confusion, 12% of the warriors are wearing purple bandanas because they still haven't decided which side they're on.

Within hours, encampments were set up and the streets became battlefields. The elderly are wielding walking sticks and setting up wheelchair barricades. People of every creed, color and religion are fighting. Noticeably missing from these riots are Latinos. They are refusing to leave the fields and the chicken processing plants because they fear Americans will starve without them.

  NEWS FLASH! Marshal Law has been declared. In order to suppress turnout in the streets, anyone caught without a Voter ID card will be shot on sight.

NEWS FLASH! Supply lines are cut off from Mexico and China to Wal-Mart. 47% of the people marched on the Capitol begging for food. Mitt Romney immediately released a statement...."I told you so!"

News Flash! Massive jams are occurring at jet ports all across the country as the top 1% of the nation rush to the Cayman's to check on their money.

News Flash! Tragedy strikes Romney. Mitt Romney was in such a hurry to get to the Cayman's to be with his money, he forgot his magic underwear.

  In the midst of all the chaos, a calming voice came over every radio network in America.
 "Fellow Ditto Heads, calm down. Our political system has worked again. Barrack Obama has been re-elected President of the United States. Now it's time to behave like the patriots we are and work together for the good of the people and the good of the country. It's time we put an end to racism. It's time we stop trying to tell women what they can do with their bodies. It's time we leveled the playing field for the middleclass. We must protect Social Security and Medicare, and make healthcare accessible and affordable to all. We should respect those who do not agree with us."

  Bill Maher tweets, "I agree 100% with you, Rush."

George says to me, "Marilyn, Marilyn, wake up! You're laughing in your sleep!"

Well, I can dream can't I?